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[Mar. 11th, 2008|10:40 pm] |
When I was younger I used to love those choose your own adventure books. They were so cool. You got to do so many fun and interesting things and like life it has so many twists and turns and sometimes you die or sometimes you find a buried treasure or sometimes you're just lucky to leave the cave of the abominable snowman alive.
I was always one of those people that like, put their finger in the page though when I thought I had to make a HUGE decision so when I made it if it ended badly then I could go back and change my story. Even if you can't really do that in life. But then I always got this feeling that things happened like they would happen. Sometimes you always got eaten by the Yetti. You could have gone into the cave, taken the right tunnel, went down the slippery slope, turned on your flashlight and then woke the yeti and it ate you. Sometimes you could go into the cave, take the right tunnel and then turn a left and still meet the Yeti. Or you could not even go into the cave at all, travel through the woods just to meet the Yeti and get eaten. It makes me think a lot of fate, and a lot of the choices I've made. Well I only have 4 fingers, since you need your thumbs to turn the page and you cant use both hands that’s to much cheating... so that got me to thinking what would be the events I would back track to if I could.
If you would walk home from Karaoke alone turn to page 4
If you would walk home from Karaoke with someone turn to page 10
When I was in college I loved to sing. I rocked out at Karaoke bars, since there wasn't much else to do in the small college town I was in. One night coming home from one of those karaoke competitions though...my life pretty much changed forever. One of those nights I was walking back to my dorm alone and was grabbed from behind. I don't need to go into details but after all of that I am a rape survivor. I hate being called a victim, a rape victim, a victim in general. I survived. I think that it made me stronger. I could have done a lot of things after that. I could have dropped out of school, I could have let it ruin me. Of course I was different after, I am different after. Anyone that knew me that night and knew me after it knows those changes. I’m quieter, I don't sing, I don't do certain things. But I took self defense classes after. I could probably kick some serious ass... maybe.
But needless to say I stayed, I stuck through it. of course my grades suffered that semester and the semester after, and I had to take some extra time in finishing, but I finally got my bachelors in History. After that night I started volunteering at a rape crisis center, well...months later, when I knew that I was okay with what had happened to me and could actually move past it a little bit. But it is something I still do.
I graduated and moved to Sea Island, Georgia working as a record keeper and tour guide for the historical society there. I ran tours, I designed tours for foliage in the fall, ghost tours for Halloween, caroling for Christmas. Since I also sat on the board for the chamber of commerce I was in charge of greeting all new residents to Sea Island. That is how I met the Covataio's
If you would have become friends with the Covataio's turn to page 20.
If you would have run the other way the moment you saw them turn to page 50.
I remember the day Cole first came into the Historical society. He wanted a tour of the town. I said yes, of course, since it was my job. I don't remember exactly how I became so close to them. But soon enough I was in with the boys. That was almost five years ago now. Do I ever regret the moment I let them into my lives? No. Not really
It's been a long five years, full of turmoil, of pain, of times where we all hated each other. Full of moments where I wish I had never met them, moments where I'm sure they felt the same. Sometimes the boys are hard to love. But sometimes you see a part of someone, and you learn to love that part. That part they really are. I think the moment that made me realize I couldn't walk away was back at Sea Island. It’s the moment I think of whenever I want to just walk away. It shows me a softness and a pain that I can't go away from. The mother in me aches and I stay.
Their life, and the lives they lead are so different from anything I've ever known. I've seen things and heard of things I never thought I would. But I've tried to stay out of it as best I can, and I know the boys try to protect me from it. But regardless of how much I know of or don't know of, I have been on the Cavataio pay roll for the past 5 years almost. Perhaps it is that fact that forever changed my life. That paper trail that lead to the most tragic moment of my life. But I am thankful for their money. And it’s not like I do...all that much. A moral compass, a guide, a shoulder to cry on. Granted sometimes that position sucks, and I hate all the things they've put me through. The times I've been slammed against walls or had things thrown at me. The desperate calls I've been woken up to in the middle of the night. The times when I try everything I can to protect my boys and they just...Don't listen. But I've been there for them. I left Sea Island when they left. I traveled to Italy, to Jersey, and now to Chicago. I thought I needed time away from them... that’s why I stayed in Jersey. But I feel more than guilty when I see all that has happened since they've moved here. I can’t help but think some things might have been different had I stayed with them. But...I had things to take care of. Sometimes loving someone means knowing when to just...let them go for a while. Sometimes it’s knowing loving someone else and needing someone else might be more important.
If you would have fallen in love in Italy, turn to page 15
if you wouldn't have fallen in love in Italy, turn to page 75
Lazio, Italy. The first place I ever moved with the boys to. Why? Because at the time they needed me. Things were happening and they asked me. And the way they asked me I obviously couldn't say no. So I moved to Italy. Living with Cole obviously, as Felicia can point out, wasn't and isn't easy. There were fights, there were bad times. But you don't give up on the ones you love.
With the boys in Italy something amazing happened. I fell in love. Tony was everything you could want in a man. Funny, Smart, Loving, Amazing, and pretty darn sexy. We hit it off right off the bat, when I visited the museum he worked at. We fell in love, got engaged and the next thing I knew we were expecting. My daughter was born in Italy, Bella. A fitting name huh? Since its Italian. And we were supposed to live happily ever after. Even if we moved to Jersey with the boys...again. But Tony knew I loved them, and I loved him. And I did want our daughter growing up in America. We got a house together, I did my thing with the boys, and we were happy. The small family I had made for myself. Things were supposed to be perfect. Even after they left for Chicago. I wanted to stay behind, I didn't want to move us again. Perhaps I should have.
I was in the shower. That’s why I didn't hear the shots. The autopsy said there were 3 shots. Head, heart, stomach. To this day they never found who killed him. Sure there are a lot of possibilities. There's the things I believe, but I don't know if they're true either. All I know is after I got things in order, after I grieved, after everything I moved with our daughter to here. It’s been a few months now. And I still wear his ring on my necklace, close to my heart. Leaving our home was probably the hardest move I've ever made. Knowing his body's in Jersey and mine is here. But... again the boys needed me. Or Cole needed me. I feel like if I had moved with them... Cole wouldn't be in rehab, he and Felicia would be happy, and most importantly Tony wouldn't be dead. But...what can you do really. Right? Life has a way of changing and we all have to adapt and deal with it as best as we can.
So hello Chicago. How are you? |
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